


sugar honey ice & tea

by tangentiallly



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Background Relationships, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, also there's a popcorn machine somewhere, beatrice is not there but is frequently mentioned, this is extremely self indulgent lol, well implied anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 00:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17632253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangentiallly/pseuds/tangentiallly
Summary: Kit, R, Bertrand, and Frank (or sometimes Ernest) play bridge in a room in the Hotel Denouement.





	sugar honey ice & tea

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own ASOUE
> 
> please don't copy this story to another site
> 
> title from Bring Me The Horizon's song

[01]

Frank and Bertrand reached 5D, and Bertrand laid out his cards as R led the King of Hearts.

“Thanks,” Frank said curtly, frowning a little.

 “Good luck. I considered trying for slam,” Bertrand admitted, and then studied Frank for a moment. “And your expression is making me thinking I should have.”

“I’m just planning on how to play this hand,” Frank replied evenly. “Low, please.”

“Yeah, that’s just his usual thinking expression,” Kit assured Bertrand. “It’s close, though I might’ve cuebid the spades.”

“I think you meant certainly,” R raised an eyebrow. “And the results _might’ve_ paid out.”

“Only when I’m feeling bold,” Kit laughed. “Which I guess, when playing bridge, is fairly often.”

They continued with the hand, and 5D made eventually.

“6 Diamonds is cold, isn’t it?” R questioned, counting the tricks in her head.

“If I finesse the right side for the club queen, then I’ll be making 6,” Frank said. “There’s not enough clues though.”

“I always feel like you’re great at finding the queens at times that matter,” Kit sipped the ice tea and chewed on the ice cubes while R redealt the cards. “Like, not when it’s just overtricks, like now, but if it’s a matter of make or going down, then you guess the correct side more often than not.”

“Sometimes it’s also because when the contract’s on the line, you could only finesse for a certain side, though,” Bertrand said, thoughtfully. “By the way, stop stealing my tea, K.”

“Mine ran out of ice cubes,” Kit shrugged.

“I’m half-convinced that Frank’s just great at peeking,” R handed out the newly dealt cards to everyone.  Her face lit up slightly at her cards, and opened 2NT.

“Please,” Frank rolled his eyes, “if anyone ever saw me doing that, then it’s Ernest they saw.”

“You really need to stop using that line every time someone accuses you of something,” R said, unimpressed. “No one else does that.”

“Yeah, not even me, and I have a twin,” Kit shook her head. She responded to R’s 2NT with a 3C, and looked glad to see the 3H response.

“Because no one confuses you and Jacques,” Frank argued. “Besides, I’m pretty sure Ernest does that.”

“Technically, I don’t think he ever said ‘ _if anyone ever saw me doing that, then it’s Ernest they saw_ ’,” Bertrand countered.

“Actually, he might’ve when he’s pretending to be Frank,” R said thoughtfully. “But I guess that still files this under Frank’s unique traits if people are only doing this when pretending to be him.”

R and Kit reached a small slam of hearts after a series of cuebids and asks, and Bertrand considered over which card to lead.  

“Though I suppose in a similar situation, I could say that ‘if anyone saw me doing that, that’s Beatrice disguised as me’,” Kit mused, laying down her cards for R. “Good luck, I think this one has great chance.  Don’t you love my nice club suit?”

“Ohhh, thanks, that definitely looks helpful,” R grinned as she studied Kit’s hand. “In all honesty, that does sound like something Beatrice would do.”

“I disagree, B wouldn’t want to do some action that K doesn’t want to be associated with as K --  not for K’s sake, but just because it’s probably something she would love to be attached with her name and won’t want someone else taking the credit.”

“Classic Beatrice,” Frank shook his head roughly.

“What latest thing in the hotel has she broken lately?” Kit asked, half-amused.

“Well, not lately, and let’s hope it stays this way,” Frank sighed, and Kit laughed.

“Well, I suppose Bertrand have a point,” R tilted her head, pausing a bit after throwing in Frank with the Ace of Spades, looking a little dreamy.  “She is rather bold and iconic that way.  It’s her charm.  Very delightful in her own style.”

The other three people stared her, and R flushed. “I’m just stating a fact!  Anyway, whatever Frank returns, you’re either giving me a ruff and discard or leading into the table’s Ace and Queen. Making six.”

“I suppose it makes it so much possible for things to happen the other way, like Kit doing something and later claiming it was Beatrice,” Frank said logically.

“Except I don’t do high profile dramatic stuff like she does and if something didn’t look dramatic enough, nobody’s going to believe it’s her, so it won’t work,” Kit said. “Beatrice and I would make great partners in crime though, balancing each other out this way.  All elements of personality traits there.”

Frank and R exchanged a look, the expressions on their faces indicating they’re thinking about the same thing.  Bertrand, on the other hand, teased directly, “Ah, your favorite brand of romance, isn’t it, K?”

“Shut up, B,” Kit glared at him.

“She’s not here now, you don’t need to tell her to shut up,” Bertrand said slyly, and R’s and Frank’s smiles turned into outright laughter.

“Shut up, all of you,” Kit huffed.  She turned her attention to the bidding sequence, ignoring them, and then studied the hand she had.  After some consideration, she doubled the 3NT.

“Wow,” Frank said, raising an eyebrow. “there’s no need for that.”

“Oh, this is absolutely just about the cards,” Kit smiled, a little sweet and a little menacing. “I compartmentalize well.  You’re going down, boys.”  She drank the ice tea from Frank’s glass this time, crunching on the ice cubes.  All others passed, and Kit led the Diamond King.

Frank laid out the Dummy’s hand and Bertrand studied it in concentration, planning out his route. “Well,” he said slowly, deliberately, “game on, Snicket.”

 

* * *

 

[02]

R and Kit settled in 3S, and Bertrand led a small diamond.

“How are things in the hotel lately?” R asked. “King please.” She directed Kit.

“We finally got a new popcorn machine,” Frank said, covering the K with Ace.   He surveyed the Dummy, and decided to switch to a heart.

“This is a hotel, not a movie theater,” R pointed out, reasonably. “What do you need it for?”  She counted the number of hearts in both dummy and in hand, and frowned at the card Frank returned, then looked at Bertrand suspiciously.

Bertrand met her gaze and calmly ruffed the heart.

“Good thing I didn’t go game, though it seems like 3S is in danger as well,” Kit commented. “Also it’s for movie night. By the way, I think it’s my turn to pick what to watch again.”

Frank tried to remember who picked the movie for the past couple of times. “... I’m quite certain you just like, skipped Ernest.”  He paused a little, studied the cards, and then played the King as Bertrand led a club, looking relieved when it held, then returned a heart ready for Bertrand to ruff again.

“Oh yeah, that was intentional,” Kit informed Frank. “He has bad tastes in movies.”

3S went down one at the end, and Bertrand gathered the cards together and shuffled them.  The next hand was dealt, and R preempted a 3H at the first seat.  Bertrand looked conflicted for a while, but eventually decided on 3NT.

“Well, this looks like it could be fun,” Kit said as everyone else passed.  She led a heart dutifully, and grinned at R, “as the lady requested.”

“Good luck,” Frank said, “don’t know if my hand’s going to be much of use.”

“Thanks, well, it -- ”

“Might be more useful if we’re in a different contract?” Frank guessed.

“Yeah,” Bertrand admitted, “doesn’t mean this doesn’t have a chance though.  Play the jack.”

After some struggles, 3NT eventually went down 2. “Perhaps double would’ve been better,” Bertrand mused. “We could get to 5C that way.”

“Well, for this hand, probably, though 3NT could easily be the better choice if my hand my club King and Queen were hearts, so it’s really hard to say,” Frank shrugged. “Better luck next time.”

 

* * *

 

[03]

“Did you guys change the ice tea recipe?” R asked, putting down her glass after drinking it. “It tastes differently today -- oh, it’s honey, isn’t it?”

“City’s latest fashion at the moment, so I’ve been told,” Kit said wryly. “It’s very _in_ , apparently.”

“At Hotel Denouement, we cater to our guests' ever-changing fashion choices.” Frank said smoothly.

“Well,” Kit said archly, “I prefer my tea bitter.”

“Unfortunately,” he countered easily. “You’re not a guest here.”

The two of them engaged in some silent fight of frowns and challenging stares while Bertrand and R focused on the cards in hand.  Bertrand opened 1C, and Kit took a break from the silent fight to cover with 1S.  Frank bid 2H almost immediately.

They reached 4H fairly easily, and it was a straightforward contract that eventually went over one. Kit dealt the next hand, then opened 1H.  Frank overcalled 1NT.  R bid 2H and ended up as the final contract.

R watched in interest as Kit played, feeling something was off.  Kit should be finessing Frank for all the high spots cards, considering his overcall, yet she wasn’t doing that. And Bertrand did turn out to have some of those spot cards too, which was … interesting. “That’s a really light overcall,” she said as they finished up the board, the clues clicking in.

“We’re nonvul,” “Frank” said, as if that explained the situation. It did sounded like a legit explanation, but also an evasive enough one.

“True,” Bertrand agreed easily, “pass the sugar, will you, E? Hope both honey and sugar are enough to stop K from drinking my tea after she finished all her ice cubes.”

“Frank” -- well, Ernest, really -- blinked for a moment and then shrugged. “Fine, I guess the light overcall really gave it away.  Frank doesn’t do that, does he?”

“Frank might lean on the aggressive side when trying for game, but he sticks to certain principles,” R said, “And Dewey bids more conservatively, so I’ve started suspecting it’s you halfway through this board.”

“Amateur,” Kit scoffed, “I noticed the moment he sat down, try to keep up.”

“Me too,” Bertrand chimed in. “Though admittedly it was only because K gave him a deathly glare. Why did you think I just passed 2H?”

“Good decision,” Ernest smirked. “We cooperate so nicely.  I should come play with you guys more often.”

The bidding for the next board got really competitive, everyone having something to bid.  The contracted ended up as R declaring 5H doubled, though she wondered if she should’ve doubled Ernest’s 4S instead, considering the difference between E and F’s style.

Ernest doubled R’s 5H immediately when it was his turn, giving R a sharp grin, and the fact that Kit didn’t redouble made R feel like the contract was definitely going down.

It did.

“Would 4S have make?” R asked, already suspecting the answer.

“Absolutely not, with the hand E has,” Bertrand said, amused. “Thanks for saving us from that.”

“Sorry,” R told Kit, and Kit waved it away.

“It’s fine,” she said, “hmm, I feel like you’re always quite hesitant to double though. You should try a little more, it adds to the fun.”

“Like playing with knives,” Ernest added, “figuratively.”

“Speaking of literally and figuratively, I heard about what happened last week to Gustav’s script, did Beatrice and Olaf really changed all the ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively’ in the script because they didn’t like their roles?” Kit asked.

“They did,” R said. “Crossing out everyone one of those in the script from typewriter by pen.  Like … read through the whole script in one night and finished changing all of them.”

“That requires some dedication,” Ernest commented. “Wish they do these kind of things more often instead of experimenting with, I don’t know, our new hotel popcorn machine. I don’t want it to explode.”

“Dedication? More like pettiness and too much time on hand,” Kit shook her head.  She saw R’s expression, and said drily, “and now R’s thinking that it’s dedication on Beatrice’s part and pettiness and too much free time on Olaf’s part.”

“Well, am I wrong?” R asked defiantly.

“Only 50%,” Ernest said smoothly. “The Beatrice part, in case you’re wondering.”

 

 

* * *

 

[04]

Frank and Bertrand reached 3NT, and Kit tried to get Bertrand to tell her why he and Beatrice got briefed with a secret mission last week.

“I don’t even need to know what the mission is, I’m just, out of professional, non-personal interest, want to know why they choose you and Beatrice to work on it. Well, and knowing what it is would be a bonus too, but not strictly necessary.”

“And people said I’m the one who couldn’t get over Beatrice,” R whispered to Frank.

“Not mutually exclusive,” Frank told her, in an equally low voice.

“No offense but that,” Bertrand said drily, “sounds like the exact opposite of professional and non-personal.”

Kit considered a bit, then said slowly, “You know how J still thinks you’re the model driver you let him think you are on your first date? Like, no clue at all about how you actually drive?  And I can rectify this situation any second?”

Bertrand narrowed his eyes slightly, “Don’t play your trump card too early, K, you never know what you’ll force out.”

“This is a notrump contract, there are no trump cards to play,” R interrupted them.

“Did Gustav convince you to join in the literally versus figuratively agenda?” Frank asked, hiding a laugh.

Kit and Bertrand ignored them, and R told Frank, “we should get some popcorn, this looks like it’ll take a while.”

“It’s right next door, I’ll go grab it really quick,” Frank said quickly, hurrying out of the room.  When he came back, someone else was with him.

“I heard there’s drama and popcorn and I don’t want to miss it,” Ernest said cheerfully, grabbing a chair.

“I’m just saying, I’ve got secrets on you too,” Bertrand said to Kit calmly.

“Can I interrupt? Because if this is in reference to Beatrice, then we all knew about it, not just you,” Ernest pointed out, then grabbed a bite of popcorn.

“To be fair, isn’t Jacques still the only who doesn’t know how he drives either?” R said.

“Ah, so everyone’s just keeping quiet for potential blackmail material, my favorite kind of scene,” Ernest nodded sagely. “Continue.”

“Frank, hand me some popcorn so I can throw it at your brother,” Kit said.

“Does Beatrice really not know?” Frank asked sceptically, ignoring Kit’s request.

“Beatrice is … surprisingly unobservant in certain aspects, all things considering,” R said neutrally.  Everyone turned to stare at her. She blinked. “I mean like, just in general, you know, not particularly referencing anything.”

“Makes one wonder if she would believe it coming from someone else, doesn’t it? She must’ve already heard all sorts of rumors about people having a crush on her.” Ernest mused. “Which might turn Bertrand’s leverage into nothing substantial.”

Kit slowly grinned. “Wow, I’m hiring you as my next scheming consultant.”

Ernest raised an eyebrow, and saluted her half-mockingly, “Ernest Denouement, at your service, Ma’am.”

Bertrand turned his gaze on Frank, “Why did you have to bring _him_ in?”

“I’m wounded, and we partnered so well together last time,” Ernest said, shaking his head, putting one hand on his chest dramatically.

Kit looked at Bertrand, a smile playing on her lips. “So?”

“Okay,” Bertrand sighed. “You win, I’ll tell you about the mission later, alright? Just. Don’t tell Jacques ….. Please. And I don’t just mean the mission.”

“Deal,” Kit said immediately. She picked surveyed the table and the already played cards. “Well, let’s get back to the board, shall we?”

One of the Denouement triplets stood up, “I’ll leave you guys to it, then.  I should get back to work.”

“So,” R said brightly, “who wants more ice tea?”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://beatricebidelaire.tumblr.com)


End file.
